“… loneliness allows us to look honestly and without aggression at our own minds. We can gradually drop our ideals of who we think we ought to be, or who we think we want to be, or who we think other people think we want to be or ought to be. We give it up and just look directly with compassion and humor at who we are. Then loneliness is no threat and heartache, no punishment.” -Pema Chodron

A man asked me to go on a second date with him and I politely declined. His response via text message was comical but it came from a place of loneliness. Our first date involved a few casual drinks and the need-to-know details. “Guy from Queens” was kind and straight-forward, things I admire, but I saw a few warning signs in the details he chose to share about his life. He mentioned that he recently broke up with his live-in girlfriend of five years. Then quickly added that it had been ten months… He was now living with his uncle, an intense divorcé and wanted to move out but he didn’t mention an action plan. I don’t fault him for it, but I sensed during our first date that he was already hoping I might be the person he would be moving in with. It’s nice to want to fall in love and you should go into any relationship with an open mind but you also need to be aware that things can get messy FAST. Trust your instincts because loneliness will not lead you to the best decisions. Eff the funk and make peace with being lonely.

The day after our first date he texted me to say he enjoyed seeing me. I thanked him for the drinks and said I also had a nice time but I didn’t see us as a match. The conversation could have ended there but instead he sent a series of text messages asking, “Why, what went wrong????” I assured him I had an enjoyable night but I could already see we weren’t a match. He wasn’t satisfied and told me, “I deserve a reason.” I was getting annoyed and responded, “You’re not entitled to anything.” My response wasn’t helpful in this situation but it’s true. The only reason I had was that I wasn’t attracted to him. That is when GFQ went off the rails. Below is the tail-end of our conversation. It literally went south in a hot second.

“Guy from Queens” barely knows me but he is so lonely that he was deeply hurt when I rebuffed his advances. Our first date wasn’t a disaster. I could have agreed to a second, but I have managed to make a bit of peace with being alone. I would rather spend my night alone than go on a date with a man that I know I don’t share chemistry with. If you are a person who likes to date for the sake of it, maybe you would have gone on the second date, but I don’t see the point of wasting that time (his or mine). Aren’t you just avoiding spending time with yourself?

Disclaimer to friends and family: I don’t plan on posting our text conversations on my blog in the future, this story was just too weird not to share.

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